The majority of marriages end in divorce. So how many more stay married but are miserable? Surely Yeshua never intended for so many in the Body to be confused and miserable about love. So I'd like to talk about the Jewish (Biblical) approach to love and marriage.
The most dangerous myth today is that the best way to learn about love is through experience. Don't buy the car until you take it for a test drive, right? Wrong. If experience is the best way to learn about love then every prostitute out there must be a relationship master.
The truth is that there are better ways to learn than through experience. But it will require us to talk about some private matters.
The first thing to understand is "Who am I?" If you don't have a strong identity then you will NEVER attract anyone. A woman is hardwired to be attracted to a confident man who knows what he wants, a man who respects himself.
First, let's eliminate what you are not. You are not: your possessions, your achievements, your wealth, your physical looks. Cultivate those things because they convey confidence and self-respect but don't define yourself by them. They can all be taken away.
What's the one thing that can't be taken away? Your relationship with HaShem! That's it. All of your wisdom and knowledge and looks and cars--all can be taken away.
If you are looking for a shidduch, you must convey that you are a son of the King. Always be well-groomed, dress stylishly yet modestly ("hey, I'm more than a piece of meat, ladies!"), maintain proper hygiene at all times, study the art of confident body language, study humor so that you can know how to be funny (e.g. Comedy Writing Secrets by Melvin Helitzer), keep in shape so that you can convey ENERGY!
Now, whether you use shadchan or Jewish dating site, you will eventually have to approach a woman and you must have a game plan.
How to identity a good woman. Eliezer was the first shadchan who was tasked with finding Isaac's bashert. What is the first question he asked her? He asked her "whose daughter are you?" (bat mi at?). Yechus is CRITICAL. Does she come from a family with strong Jewish values? You must ascertain her pedigree. He also observed that she had the trait of chesed because she was very hospitable. We also know she understood the role of tzniut because she wore a head-covering.
But don't just interrogate her! Your task is two-fold: (1) generate attraction; (2) determine her yechus by asking about her family, friends, pursuits, etc.
That first task is also critical. How do you generate attraction? By conveying higher value. Women have instincts and there are certain attraction switches. You must know how to flip each one in sequence (well, not EACH one as some things must be left for marriage).
The first switch is that women are attracted to alpha males. Study up on this. Cultivate yourself to be an alpha male. Some of the traits of an alpha male are confidence, humor, being well-groomed and well-dressed. Don't expect a woman to like you if you don't like yourself!
The next is to demonstrate higher value. A woman wants to see that women are attracted to you. She wants to know that you are not needy or desperate. She wants you to have social awareness. She wants you to be someone who can address all of her friends and make them all laugh. She wants to know that you won't always say "yes" to her, that you are, in fact, a real man and that being in your social circle is a privilege, not a right. She wants to know that you have standards when it comes to women, that you are screening her! She wants a little bit of mystery. Don't give everything away about yourself. Play the game, brother! Dating should be, above all things, playful.
When I resume next time, I'll talk about dating strategies.
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