Why Christian School Drove Us to Suicide [REVISED AND EXPANDED]: Question 31

I was raised in a Christian school and, like many of my friends there, was suicidal.  Two of my friends succeeded in committing suicide.  My closest friend was suicidal only in the ninth grade but managed to get through it.  Other friends from there just simply abandoned Christianity for atheism.  

Why were we so unhappy?  I think it had to do with the Christian approach to education:  don't think for yourself, just accept everything we tell you.  Listening quietly was seen as a virtue and asking questions was seen as rebellious.  Also, they were a little short on practical advice.  Specifically, relationship wisdom.  A lot of my friends were confused and miserable about relationships and many are now divorced.  

In contrast, the Jewish method of education is found in Deuteronomy 6:7 (v'shinnantam l'vanekha, teach/sharpen your children) and in Ephesians 6:4 (paideia kai nouthesia, discipline and instruct).  

Shinnantam from shanan (sharpen) connotes learning through heated, oppositional interaction somewhat like the dialectical methods of the Greeks (e.g. Socratic method).  The illustration is iron striking iron, opposing against each other, sometimes growing heated, but always ending in a sharpening of the metal until it shines like a sword with a razor sharp edge that can cut through virtually anything, fully capable of defending the one who wields it.  

In Jewish schools, this process of sharpening involves machloket (arguing) in chavrutot (learning partnerships).  The chavruta challenges his chavruta to ensure that their reasoning contains no weaknesses.  

But machloket is dangerous.  It is not peaceful.  In fact, you could look at it as an exception to the principle of shalom.  Argument is separation;  Shalom is unity.  So why argue?  Because the narrow exception is that arguments for the sake of Heaven (just like a loving rebuke) are done with the intent to eventually bring about shleimut and shalom.

I believe that Ephesians 6:4 is a reference to the v'shinnantam l'vanekha of the Shema.  The two aspects of shinnantam (i.e. physical and mental correction through oppositional process) are captured by the two terms paideia kai nouthesia, discipline and instruction.  

Paideia denotes training by chastisement (which reminds one of the Tochechah of the Shema) which involves training by action;  Nouthesia denotes training instilling lessons directly into the mind via words.  So there is a physical correction and also mental correction involved here that is analogous to the concept of shinnantam.  

So in Jewish schools the students gather around tables and discuss, they challenge one another, exchanges get heated, but, at the end of the day, the separation of machloket (conflict/argument) yields greater shleimah (wholeness).

The other aspect of shinnantam is derived from the context of the Shema:  learning the mitzvot.  This involves talking about Torah all day long, when you arise in the morning and when you walk about during the day and also before going to bed.

The third part of the Shema (Numbers 15) explains that men have a special need when it comes to education.  They have a weakness in that their eyes will constantly be drawn towards women.  So Torah says they must wear tzitzit so their eyes won't wander.  If eyes wandered back in ancient times when women covered themselves in modest garments, how much more will male eyes wander in today's culture in which women reveal their figures?

In mentioning this, Torah addresses a specific need for men (and women) to have guidance when it comes to relational matters.  And so Judaism developed an entire culture to respond to this need.  Very specific guidelines are provided to men and women, explaining what is expected.  Gender roles are clearly established.  There's no confusion about when or how to date.  When the man is financially stable, it's time to date.  The "how" to dating is established by the community. Everyone makes sure that the men and women are never alone together (yichud)--and even the classrooms are segregated according to gender.  The men and women do not touch prior to marriage (shomer negiah).  The length of the courtship is typically very short---there's no dating for years on end.  The dating is purposeful and marriage-oriented.  And, by the way, all of these things also protect women.  These communities don't have to worry about things like date-rape, teen pregnancy, emotionally tumultuous break-ups--they eliminate these things by making sure single men and women are never alone together.

Perhaps the keenest insight in Jewish education is that gentile entertainments should be forbidden.  This is because, just like children, young adults learn from observing.  Whatever they see will become normative.  So if young adults are allowed to watch a lot of movies depicting premarital sex as something casual, this becomes their norm.  Judaism prevents this by establishing clear standards:  no gentile entertainments.

To sum up, shinnantam is about communal learning (chavrutot) with the focus of guiding men and women toward healthy relationships.

Some traditional Christian schools probably share these values in certain ways.  But in my experience they fall short.  The good news is that, with the growth of the Hebrew Roots movement, Christian school systems may eventually get exposed to the Jewish approach.  My hope for the Hebrew Roots movement is that it will truly become a counter-cultural force.

ON TO THE QUESTION:

What are your thoughts on the educational system you went through?  Did you have positive or negative experiences?